Logically, I knew to expect a setback at some point. I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be smooth sailing until the end of time. You can’t get injured as heinously and severely as TC did and not experience the continuing ripple effects of that injury. But at the same time, I really didn’t expect such a setback right now. I came to Santorini to soften again and I really did achieve softness and openness while I was there. However, the news of this setback jolted me right back into my well-worn armor, as my brain tried to process what this could potentially mean for us in the longterm.
In the short term, it meant we had to cancel our very belated honeymoon. When we first got married (five years ago this August 15th), we dreamed of going to Greece, and specifically, Santorini. But it wasn’t in the cards at the time. My dad was extremely sick and I was preparing to start a job at a new school. I was too nervous to ask my new principal for the time off. So, like we’ve been guilty of doing before, we put the “fun” plans on hold in lieu of acting more responsibly.
Well, at this point, I’m pretty much fed up with responsibility. And I’ve definitely learned my lesson. NEVER put your life on hold because you’re driven by an inner, and perhaps self-imposed, sense of obligation. Especially not when you’re young like TC and I were. It’s just too wasteful.
On Friday I was supposed to meet my husband on the island of Mykonos for ten days of much needed togetherness and romance. But instead, I made the 24+ hour journey home. I’m overjoyed to be reunited with my boys, of course, but I’m struggling to process why this particular setback had to happen now, of all weeks, at a point that really was the culmination of so much hard work, especially by TC. I know I’ll never get an answer to this question, so I must proceed as I have learned to do well over the past two years: with steadfast patience. Yes, I’m disappointed. But I also came to Greece to learn how to rise above knee-jerk reactions such as disappointment – to learn to find peace within, so that I can better withstand the chaos outside. And I think I’m getting there.
As of Thursday I am a certified yoga teacher. For three weeks, I got on that mat and I practiced and prayed through days of tears and sweat and heat. And, in the process, I fulfilled a serious life dream. So, yes, my wrists and knees still ache and I am in need of a serious pedicure, but I feel good about that and I feel proud. I feel strong and I really can envision a life in which I use movement and meditation to heal myself and others.
So now comes the biggest test: putting all this enlightenment, all this knowledge into karma (action). This trip was just the beginning of a new way of going forward – an opportunity to ditch many of the things that weren’t serving me anymore, a chance to remember who I was before life covered my lenses with a serious coat of grime, and a serious reminder to keep breathing. In and out, inhaling and exhaling through the chaos, through the moments of anger and WHY MEs, through the fear of the unknown. It is this breath that will keep my heart open and resilient and ready to serve the family that needs me.